A sarcastic letter from the mythical dystopia once called San Francisco

They say San Francisco used to be beautiful. The City of Hills. The Cool Gray City of Love. Home of Willie Mays and Jerry Garcia. Sourdough Town. Rice-a-Roni-opolis. Everyone’s Favorite City.

It’s so tragic, what’s happened to it.

San Francisco is today a modern hellscape, a shattered dystopia of violence and doom. Everybody outside this broken town can see it in real time on their TV screens and on the Fox News Facebook page.

SF is 49 square miles of filth and slum. The few decent people who still live here huddle together in their non-traditional family units, justifiably afraid of the horrors outside.

No, SF isn’t hollowed out like some post-industrial Rust Belt town. It’s more like Fury Road.

This was once the destination for dreamers and doers. Now all the good people are fleeing by the thousands. This drives up rents and home prices to unprecedented highs, which causes more people to flee, which drives up housing prices even higher. That’s just basic economics.

What kind of housing is even available anymore? Tents. They’re everywhere. Our parks are all tent cities, every square foot covered by various shanties. Marina Green looks like a budget KOA. The point on top of the Transamerica Pyramid? You guessed it, a tent.

What do the Tent People do? They ingest drugs, and they poop. You can’t even walk on the sidewalk anymore without slipping on poop and falling into a pile of used needles. Every block of our city’s 2,984 miles of sidewalk (that doesn’t already have a tent on it) is thick with poop and needles. It’s literally a shit show. We can cross-country ski on the poop. Tonight’s forecast is for another inch of poop, with a fresh coating of needles.

San Francisco used to offer world-class shopping, but that’s gone. The stores in Union Square, every San Franciscan’s very favorite place to spend time, have covered their windows, which is the worst thing to happen to an American city since 9/11. When those thieves hit that beautiful Louis Vuitton story, everybody’s heart broke a lot.

And when those same flash mob-style robberies happened that very same week in Dallas, Phoenix, and everywhere else that people could organize on Facebook, we were honored that Tucker Carlson exclusively showed our Louis Vuitton hit over and over in prime time, just to remind people that Union Square is in Nancy Pelosi’s district. We do love the attention.

But it’s not just the universally cherished luxury shops that are suffering. Walgreens, Target, and CVS have closed every location in San Francisco because nobody was even bothering to stop at the cash register anymore. And so in the week before they shut down, they hung out signs that said, “GO AHEAD, TAKE IT ALL.” And people did.

The good men of SFPD just watched it all happen, because our district attorney Chesa Boudin has officially declared SF to be “Open-for-Crime City.” Now criminals from Oakland and Antioch ride BART into town and do crimes and then BART home. BART now stands for Bad Apples Robbing Techies. Everybody in the SFGate comments section reminds us on every crime story since 2000.

What about small businesses? No small business has opened in San Francisco since Frank Jordan, our last good mayor, held office in the early 1990s. Look it up.

Our public schools don’t care about teaching. They’re more like public Marxist indoctrination camps. On the first day of kindergarten, kids have to say their name and then fully express their sexual identity in a minimum of 50 words. There is an exception for straight white kids: nobody is permitted to learn or speak their names. Instead, they are expected to competitively grovel for forgiveness for their ancestors’ sins, and the winner is named “Caitlin 1,” with the other white kids called “Caitlin 2,” “Caitlin 3.” You get the idea.

At least the schools wait until first grade to start on Critical Race Theory, which then becomes the sole course of study through middle school. The only snag was when the school board suspended classes for two weeks to debate whether it’s appropriate to teach The 1619 Project because the New York Times still publishes neo-liberal op-eds.

When the children reach high school, it’s all just postmodernism and communist thought. No math or science allowed, until those disciplines achieve proportional LGTBQIA+ representation. The other day I asked my kid how her day was, and she replied that it was unjust for me to expect her to judge the quality of her school day through my capitalist framing, or something like that. She then demanded I replace my American flag in my office with a photo of Mao Tse Tung.

All the schools that were named after Presidents of the United States and California governors have since been renamed for leftist ’70s bombers who became college professors.

Our local media has long died out, probably because they were too “woke.” But that’s okay, because we have “moderate liberal” thinkers on Twitter to keep us informed of how furious we should be about the state of our City. Sometimes they forget to turn location services off, so their tweets are stamped “Sent from Austin, TX,” but they still know what’s happening here from their well-connected friends who also moved to Austin and Miami over the past few years.

Thank goodness these moderates can also expose us to thoughtful threads on “election security” and “fair taxation” from Koch-funded Congressmen and think tanks. Usually, they’re just usefully asking questions that nobody has thought to explore, like “Why doesn’t Gavin Newsom solve the homeless problem already?” and “Don’t police lives matter, too?” and “How do we know the vaccine works, anyway?”

At least we’ve really kept COVID under control here in San Francisco, because we’ve been locked down. You know how Republicans keep decrying “lockdowns,” and then you get confused because everything everywhere seems completely open? Well, they’re talking about San Francisco.

Everything is closed for COVID except for weed dispensaries, tattoo parlors, and all three remaining Whole Foods. You are permitted to buy groceries only if you get re-vaccinated every month, and you have to show proof of your monthly booster with a vaccine passport. The passport is decorated with that picture of Nancy Pelosi sarcastically clapping for Tr*mp. (Oops, I almost typed the Forbidden Name within city limits. One of the last prosecutable crimes in this town.)

But the City government, damn them again, doesn’t just close businesses. They also close streets. “Car Free Sunday on JFK Drive” is becoming “Car Free City.” My Nextdoor dot com neighbors says they’re about to ban private ownership of automobiles entirely, which is whatever, because it’s not like your car has had any unbroken windows since 2019.

My Nextdoor dot com neighbors also say that you will be able to get an exemption to own a car if you actually live in the car, in which case you can park it wherever you want. One guy has already planted his broken-down Nissan in shallow left field at Oracle Park. Watch your step on that next pop-up, Brandon Crawford!

Once the private car ban goes into effect, there will be only two ways to get around town: tech buses if you work for Google or Meta, or rental scooters if you’re just a regular old crypto bro.

Speaking of Google and Meta, what ever happened to the Tech Bro thing? You remember all those stories from the long-ago ’10s about how SF was being gentrified by tech bros who drank craft cocktails and reserved soccer fields with apps?

Well, the Big Tech companies told all their bros to move back in with their parents, because they’re too scared of COVID to open their offices. But really it’s because 90% of San Francisco’s tech companies moved out of state themselves. Our 3.3% unemployment rate mostly reflects the sheer volume of people the City hired to hand out fresh needles to our 400,000 drug addicts.

Well, I gotta shut this down. The wind didn’t blow hard enough today to generate sufficient power for PG&E residential customers, so my daily electricity ration is about to run out. The City-run pediatric sex reassignment surgery clinic needs the juice.

Good night, Austin.



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